Little pinches

How does one co-parent with an ass?

This is a question that I'm working on answering, not that there is necessarily a good answer. The thing is that no matter what I do or say or how much I ignore him or attempt to be relatively kind to him, he will always find fault, he will never apologize, he will always be petty, he will constantly try to put me on the defense and try to make me miserable, he will pick and criticize and show his backside no matter what. This is what I know. If I give in to it, he is winning.

I guess the best way to describe it is to picture yourself sitting in a bright, sunny garden. You are happy, laughing, calm, peaceful. You can hear a gentle breeze and the birds twittering outside. A fountain bubbles. All is well with the world. And then you hear something. It starts as a nagging buzz from a distance. You know something is coming. You can't quite see it, but you know something is there on the other side of the wall. Muffled, subdued, but angry nonetheless. You try to ignore it and whatever it is senses that you are and it decides to get louder. Then the sound changes to a naggy, plucky gray twang. Your teeth start to vibrate. You move your chair to the other side of the garden, but it follows. It follows, wanting you to come seek it out, to pay attention to it. You know better than to do that, but it's very hard not to. Finally, you go and look over the wall and scan the ground. Nothing. But out of the corner of your eye, you see a flash of a leopard tail with those same damn spots that were there before. Or sometimes you see a clown. All dressed up with the red nose and the big floppy collar and shoes with the tiny car pulling up behind. Finger pointing, the sick grin on his face.

So the solution? Build a higher wall? I don't know if that's the best way to deal with the leopard and the three ring circus. It's not fair to Payton and all that achieves is blocking out my own light. I have to keep an open line of communication with his father. I can only imagine the future ramifications for our child if I do not. Build a cage? A jail cell? That won't work either. Then I'm the bad guy again. I could keep looking for a new garden, but that would mean that I need to uproot myself to accommodate him and that goes completely against what I am trying to achieve here. Armour would be hot and hard to move about in, a big hammer is out of the question. A fly swatter?

Maybe earmuffs. Selective earmuffs. Or turn myself into a duck in my mind on such occasions and let all of the BS just roll off.

Right now there is just not a good answer other than the knowledge that Payton loves me and now his schedule is more consistent and that he is happy. That is what matters.

In cases of abuse, it is so hard to maintain the level of vulnerability necessary to achieve successful co-parenting. It was that same vulnerability that opened the door to the nightmare in the past. I want to be able to communicate with him for Payton's sake, but I then risk having my good will twisted around my neck and becoming the noose that he tries to hang me with. It's already happened on several occasions. He picks and pinches and pokes. I try to step away and avoid it, and it still comes back to bite. Some days it hurts more than others. Sometimes I can laugh and shrug and let him be the leopard and the clown without it affecting me, but other days I can feel my skin boil.

Hopefully over time this will get easier. He will do what he does and I need to keep moving forward, kicking off the mud and picking up the pieces as I go.