The giant ring

Remember this girl? I can't remember if I blogged about it, but within about a month of this post she got back together with my ex.

When I had agreed to speak with her, I had told her that the only way I would do so, would be if she was done. Like done done. Stick a fork in it - done. Well... that wasn't the case. And then the lies that were told? Yikes. My ex told me a few of the things that she recounted to him from our conversation and they were way off. Grossly distorted and twisted about. I was made out to be a lying monster who was desperately trying to destroy my ex husband. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Now I know EXACTLY the position she was in. She was trying to save her own skin because she got caught speaking to her abusive boyfriend's ex wife. I get it. She wanted so desperately to be in a relationship with him and she was clawing and scraping and had to toss someone to the wolves to save herself and thereby the relationship. She had been left by past fiances several times and very much wanted this relationship to work. She wanted to fix him. Was I angry? For a little bit. I think I felt more like I was betrayed. That unspoken girl rule was broken and left in the dust.

For some time, I carried around quite a bit of guilt about speaking with her. I wavered between feeling flat-out stupid about it and being glad I did it because I was asked for the advice. She wanted to know. She had specific questions. Not one word out of my mouth was a lie. The words were from my experiences. They were my accounts of events as they happened and she wanted to know. I did what I had to do to help keep another woman from going through the same exact things I did. It came from the purest of places.

Back in April, I had met with a court-ordered Vocational Evaluator. After we were done, the conversation was steered towards why I was sitting in her office and my conversation with my ex's girlfriend came up. Deirdre (the evaluator, who was also a family councilor in the past) said that I had nothing to feel guilty about. I was asked for advice and guidance based on my experiences and I should not feel apologetic, guilty or embarrassed about it in the least. I did what I had to do at the time.

I was very grateful to be validated by a professional and I have never apologized for it, nor will I ever apologize for it. The guilt is gone.

So now the other day, there it was. The Giant Ring. Blasting me in the face with the glare off of the at least 1.5 karat diamond resting in a platinum setting. It's huge. My ring was less than 1/3 of a karat on a simple yellow gold band. He was even pushed to purchase that. That's not what bothers me. What does bother me is that his relationship with this woman is so completely superficial and empty. I have a gut feeling that this ring is a recycle from one of her past engagements that was possibly reset and has nothing to do with what love really is and what an engagement ring and wedding band are supposed to stand for. It's all for show. That is all my ex was capable of. He was and still is willing to let everyone do all of the work so he looks like he is the super-fiance, the super-husband, the super-dad.

About 5 years into our marriage, I was so embarrassed by my ring that I purchased a fake one from QVC to make it look like he really cared about me. My ex told me repeatedly that he would never ever purchase a piece of jewelry for a woman and what little he did purchase for my wedding band set was more than enough. I know this man has not changed in the least bit given his current interactions with me and I don't for one second think that the ring on that woman's finger means anything that it is supposed to. The one on my finger sure didn't. What it represents is empty promises, lies, anger and a veneer so thin that everyone can see through it.

Why am I tweaked? Because this is spilling over into Payton's life. Payton has recently gotten into telling me that he wants to go to daddy's house because he can go to Gepetto's Toy Shop. That he wants to see daddy because he will get a present. Things are no substitute for love - but preschoolers do not see that. I am not able to buy $79.00 scooters and designer clothing and new bedroom sets and purchase $50.00 shoes for Payton. What Payton also tells me is that there is a lot of angry at his father's house. She yells at daddy at the car. She was angry and daddy was angry and they yelled. So much for a loving relationship. What I can give is time, patience, understanding and an endless supply of love. I can give a solid and soft place to land and a calm household. I can show him what real love looks like and how a man should treat a woman at all times. I can teach him respect, kindness and what family is truly supposed to be like.

I hope that in time that Payton will see who has his back no matter what.