My most vivid dreams happen in the early hours of the morning. This morning I had a particularly poignant one - I figure it was a brick thrown at my head by the Universe. For the past several weeks, I have been walking the precarious edge of depression again. I have tried to reason it out, to figure out what is causing it. It could have been a number of things: me not working as much as I was led to believe when I was hired, the whole situation with my ex, being worried about Payton and what will become of him in Kindergarten next year, living paycheck to paycheck. You get the idea.
I have been patient for a long time. Well... really not. I feel like I have been dealt an obnoxious number of hardship cards and I have been scrambling to make the best of them and find the positive lessons hidden within. Some days are easier than others and my self-confidence is getting better, but damn it! I would really like to have some peace in my life and to have some easy flow to it. I swear I will not take anything for granted! Promise!
I know that help comes when it is most needed. When we are really short on cash, something comes along and we are OK. We get by. When Payton is having a really difficult time, he surprises us at the last minute. When things look their bleakest, a light will shine.
The dream I had last night went deeper than that. It was a message from the Universe telling me that the struggles are nearly over. I have had such a great personal struggle for the better part of 16 years. So much loss and hurt. It's almost over. I just need to trust my own strength, but the key to it is relying on those who love me and surround me on a daily basis. I do not have to go it alone.
I was at a huge Thanksgiving dinner. My mother was in charge and finishing up the last of the cooking. There were about 40 or 50 people there - all my friends and family. People from college and high school. All the people who love me unconditionally. Tony was next to me. My brother was there - everyone. We were all seated at a huge, high wooden table in some sort of an open barn or pavilion. We were all on tall high-back chairs with wheels on the bottom. Over to the right of the table area, there was a very steep, long country road that was leading away from my family. It was so pretty: tree-lined and fragrant, it led past horse pastures and a pond with ducks.
My mother gave me a glass of red wine and wanted me to give a toast before we started the dinner. She was only serving white wine with dinner, but I had asked for the red. She found a half bottle and uncorked it for me and filled my glass. I remember it being sweet.
I was being drawn to the road, so I scooted my wheeled chair and went flying down the hill. Green and flowers and dogs running and the horses. I lost myself in the steep slide down. I finally stopped at the bottom of the hill. I looked up. Oh my. So far away and the hill looked impossibly steep and long. I got back on my chair and did my best to scoot back up the hill. I made it most of the way. Then the rutted dirt road became slippery grass. I remember seeing the dew drops and feeling it in my hands. I tried to climb the last few yards, but the road became steeper and steeper. I had to let the chair go. I was so concerned that I would never get it back, but I decided that I was more important than the chair - it was slowing me down and getting heavier and heavier by the minute. It was all wet and muddy and my hands were slipping. So away it went.
Even without the chair, the climb was still perilous. I would gain a couple of feet, only to slide back a few more. I remember feeling helpless and hopeless. The ground would give way and I would slip again and again. Then there were tree roots. I would grab hold. Rest. I could finally peek over the top of the hill ridge. I could see my family around the table - they were waiting patiently for me and having a good time. I tired to climb up the tree roots, only to have the branches get in my face. I was so incredibly frustrated. I could see my goal, but the tiny thicket of sharp branches was in my way.
I finally got down on my belly and slid under the branches leaving them behind. I had made it back to the top of the hill! I laid on my stomach and just breathed in the warm smells of Thanksgiving and happiness. Something caught my eye. A gentle sparkle just beyond my reach. I sat up and looked. There in the wet grass were my wedding bands. I hadn't even realized that I had lost them before I had slid down the hill. As soon as I picked up the rings, I woke up.
So, thank you Universe. Thank you for your message. I get it.
Showing posts with label Wellness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wellness. Show all posts
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Took a break.
I had to walk away for a little bit. I feel badly because I was doing so well with the Project 365 thingy.
So I think it has been about two weeks and I logged in today and saw I had TWO followers!!! How frickin' cool is that! I'm just all kinds of tickled and warmy-fuzzy inside.
It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least. Can I just say that kidney stones are the worst? My entire life was basically put on hold for a 4mm crystallized spiky mass that had lodged itself in my urinary tract. I don't think I have ever drank as much water as I do now. Ever. I'm considering purchasing stock in some cranberry juice maker, too. Ceeeripes. At least it passed. I'll post the gory picture of the prickly unshaven beast later.
The ex has been... the ex. He will never see eye to eye with me and that is OK. I had a dream about him the other morning. I'll write about that in more detail later. This post is too superficial to do it justice. I will say however, that it was incredibly enlightening. I feel freer for it.
I got a job! Again - more about that in a later post - probably on Friday. The details will be hammered out this Thursday. I will be an independent contractor and we both need to be on the same page. I don't like surprises and I'm sure they don't either.
As far as the Project 365... I have been taking pictures and I'm going to start back up with one a day where I left off.
So I'm back. I missed blogging. I have a lot rolling about in my brain that needs to get out.
So I think it has been about two weeks and I logged in today and saw I had TWO followers!!! How frickin' cool is that! I'm just all kinds of tickled and warmy-fuzzy inside.
It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least. Can I just say that kidney stones are the worst? My entire life was basically put on hold for a 4mm crystallized spiky mass that had lodged itself in my urinary tract. I don't think I have ever drank as much water as I do now. Ever. I'm considering purchasing stock in some cranberry juice maker, too. Ceeeripes. At least it passed. I'll post the gory picture of the prickly unshaven beast later.
The ex has been... the ex. He will never see eye to eye with me and that is OK. I had a dream about him the other morning. I'll write about that in more detail later. This post is too superficial to do it justice. I will say however, that it was incredibly enlightening. I feel freer for it.
I got a job! Again - more about that in a later post - probably on Friday. The details will be hammered out this Thursday. I will be an independent contractor and we both need to be on the same page. I don't like surprises and I'm sure they don't either.
As far as the Project 365... I have been taking pictures and I'm going to start back up with one a day where I left off.
So I'm back. I missed blogging. I have a lot rolling about in my brain that needs to get out.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
How I was finally able to leave
My marriage lasted 8 years, 7 months and 11 days. He wanted a divorce after just 72 days. So for 8 years, 5 months and 1 day, I fought like hell for what I thought was going to be the perfect marriage. We said out vows, didn't we? I thought those words were supposed to mean something. Apparently, he didn't. In just under three months, he broke so many of those vows: love, honor, cherish, respect, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I would say that's pretty much all of them.
Looking back, there were red flags everywhere. The snide remark here, the callous dig there. Blaming me for his alcohol abuse, putting me dead last behind golf or being at the bar with the boys. It would all rise to a head, explode in an epic fight, the apology would happen - and when I say that, I mean me apologizing to him when I knew he was in the wrong - he would bring me flowers and promises to do better next time and then all would be well. The "honeymoon phase" would last up to about three months and then it would spiral downward again. I began to think I was the one who was nuts. Heck, I was told that so often. There were so many instances when I questioned my sanity and mental stability. I have written about it at length here.
For years I saw this pattern, but I couldn't get up enough confidence and courage to leave. I just didn't have the strength. When I would get up the guts to even attempt to try, he would sense that and be on his best behavior so I would stay. The real beginning of the end in my mind was after the birth of Payton. Our little man was born about a month early and he was sick right off the bat. He was diagnosed with severe Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease by the time he was three weeks old. He was labeled as Failure to Thrive and he was in and out of the hospital for nearly a year. When Payton was in the hospital, that meant I was in the hospital, too. There were days when Payton's father didn't even call or show up. I never felt more alone in a sea of people. Everyday. I was forced to be a single mother when I was married. I was told I was being selfish when I emphatically said I needed a break, I was told that I needed to go back to work, I was told that I wasn't doing my job as a mother because Payton wasn't gaining weight. Huh? What? That completely contradicts itself. Why yes it does. See what I mean? Add in post-pregnancy hormones and a screaming child and I'll show you one broken woman. Broken right down to the core.
After Payton was doing much better and he was growing with the aid of a major surgery and a G-Tube, I began to truly think about leaving. My husband had shown me his true colors time and time again. He was giving me no reason to doubt who he really was. Now, I truly believe in things happening for a reason and one day when I was driving, I heard the most amazing conversation on the radio:
There was a relationship councilor on this particular morning show. She was talking about divorced parents. She was giving a lecture to a room full of adults. She asked the question: "How many of you have divorced parents?" About 30% of the people raised their hands. She then asked the question: "How many of you wished that your parents had gotten a divorce?" Another 30% of the audience raised their hands. When she asked, "Why?" The answer given by one of the men was this: "I watched my mother give up who she was and suffer to stay together with my father for us. I felt like it was my fault that she stayed together with him for the kids." Holy crap. Here I was giving up who I KNEW I was at my center. I had pushed my true self down and away for 8 years. I didn't recognize who I was when I looked in the mirror anymore. I had no freedom, I was being treated like a dirty doormat, I had to compromise who I was just to avoid a fight that was going to happen anyway. There was no happiness in my home or marriage, there was no trust, no honor, no respect. How in the would would it be fair to let Payton see me like this as he grew up. I would be dammed if Payton was to EVER treat a woman like his father was treating me.
I knew at that moment that I had to leave. The plans went into motion. I called my mother and set a date to temporarily move to her home as the apartment I had found wouldn't be ready for a month or so. I did a mental inventory of what I would take, what I would leave and how I would go about doing this.
A few weeks after I started making the plans, I was still a bit wishy-washy. However, he managed to seal the deal by playing this card: he said that he didn't want me taking Payton around my parents because he didn't want his son to get to know "people like them". The "people like them" part is in reference to their being overweight. Really? Just because they were overweight made them bad people in his mind. These people have the biggest kindest hearts and they love children. Their lives focus on children in what they do for a job every day. And here was my soon-to-be ex husband attempting to isolate me from my family. He had already done this with my friends which in and of itself is awful, but this is my family. He even went on and said that he didn't want Payton around my brother and sister-in-law either. I remember sitting on the floor in the hallway with my chin in my lap unable to speak. I sat there for about 15 minutes with my mouth open in disbelief while he sat on the couch with a smug gloating look on his face going about his business and channel surfing like nothing was wrong. I simply got up, walked up the stairs and called my mother. I was definitely leaving and I needed some help.
About two weeks later, he left on a business trip and that weekend, I left. I packed up my things, Payton's things and moved into my mom's house. I lived out of boxes in the living room and it was beyond difficult, but I was happier than I had been in a long time. A new volume in my life had just begun and I was ready. It wasn't all smooth sailing - not by a long shot - but I was moving to my OWN music and the cage door had finally opened enough for me to see the light through it.
Looking back, there were red flags everywhere. The snide remark here, the callous dig there. Blaming me for his alcohol abuse, putting me dead last behind golf or being at the bar with the boys. It would all rise to a head, explode in an epic fight, the apology would happen - and when I say that, I mean me apologizing to him when I knew he was in the wrong - he would bring me flowers and promises to do better next time and then all would be well. The "honeymoon phase" would last up to about three months and then it would spiral downward again. I began to think I was the one who was nuts. Heck, I was told that so often. There were so many instances when I questioned my sanity and mental stability. I have written about it at length here.
For years I saw this pattern, but I couldn't get up enough confidence and courage to leave. I just didn't have the strength. When I would get up the guts to even attempt to try, he would sense that and be on his best behavior so I would stay. The real beginning of the end in my mind was after the birth of Payton. Our little man was born about a month early and he was sick right off the bat. He was diagnosed with severe Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease by the time he was three weeks old. He was labeled as Failure to Thrive and he was in and out of the hospital for nearly a year. When Payton was in the hospital, that meant I was in the hospital, too. There were days when Payton's father didn't even call or show up. I never felt more alone in a sea of people. Everyday. I was forced to be a single mother when I was married. I was told I was being selfish when I emphatically said I needed a break, I was told that I needed to go back to work, I was told that I wasn't doing my job as a mother because Payton wasn't gaining weight. Huh? What? That completely contradicts itself. Why yes it does. See what I mean? Add in post-pregnancy hormones and a screaming child and I'll show you one broken woman. Broken right down to the core.
After Payton was doing much better and he was growing with the aid of a major surgery and a G-Tube, I began to truly think about leaving. My husband had shown me his true colors time and time again. He was giving me no reason to doubt who he really was. Now, I truly believe in things happening for a reason and one day when I was driving, I heard the most amazing conversation on the radio:
There was a relationship councilor on this particular morning show. She was talking about divorced parents. She was giving a lecture to a room full of adults. She asked the question: "How many of you have divorced parents?" About 30% of the people raised their hands. She then asked the question: "How many of you wished that your parents had gotten a divorce?" Another 30% of the audience raised their hands. When she asked, "Why?" The answer given by one of the men was this: "I watched my mother give up who she was and suffer to stay together with my father for us. I felt like it was my fault that she stayed together with him for the kids." Holy crap. Here I was giving up who I KNEW I was at my center. I had pushed my true self down and away for 8 years. I didn't recognize who I was when I looked in the mirror anymore. I had no freedom, I was being treated like a dirty doormat, I had to compromise who I was just to avoid a fight that was going to happen anyway. There was no happiness in my home or marriage, there was no trust, no honor, no respect. How in the would would it be fair to let Payton see me like this as he grew up. I would be dammed if Payton was to EVER treat a woman like his father was treating me.
I knew at that moment that I had to leave. The plans went into motion. I called my mother and set a date to temporarily move to her home as the apartment I had found wouldn't be ready for a month or so. I did a mental inventory of what I would take, what I would leave and how I would go about doing this.
A few weeks after I started making the plans, I was still a bit wishy-washy. However, he managed to seal the deal by playing this card: he said that he didn't want me taking Payton around my parents because he didn't want his son to get to know "people like them". The "people like them" part is in reference to their being overweight. Really? Just because they were overweight made them bad people in his mind. These people have the biggest kindest hearts and they love children. Their lives focus on children in what they do for a job every day. And here was my soon-to-be ex husband attempting to isolate me from my family. He had already done this with my friends which in and of itself is awful, but this is my family. He even went on and said that he didn't want Payton around my brother and sister-in-law either. I remember sitting on the floor in the hallway with my chin in my lap unable to speak. I sat there for about 15 minutes with my mouth open in disbelief while he sat on the couch with a smug gloating look on his face going about his business and channel surfing like nothing was wrong. I simply got up, walked up the stairs and called my mother. I was definitely leaving and I needed some help.
About two weeks later, he left on a business trip and that weekend, I left. I packed up my things, Payton's things and moved into my mom's house. I lived out of boxes in the living room and it was beyond difficult, but I was happier than I had been in a long time. A new volume in my life had just begun and I was ready. It wasn't all smooth sailing - not by a long shot - but I was moving to my OWN music and the cage door had finally opened enough for me to see the light through it.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My tall order
In July of 2007, I had been on my own for a few months and was starting to settle into my new single life. My confidence was beginning to peep through my rock-hard shell and I felt that I could possibly start dating a bit. The idea at first was to see if there were any truly kind men out there. I had a lot of baggage and I needed to pick the right one this time. I promised myself that unless I had a crystal clear picture of who this man was that I would NOT introduce Payton to him. He would get grilled and roasted over the fire before I would let him near my beautiful baby.
At first, I thought I would tap back into the potentially safe and familiar and went out with my college sweetheart a few times. It was crazy fun and probably what I needed at the time, but I ended up getting hurt again in my discovery of why exes should remain exes. This is not to say he is a bad person, it was simply that we were not in the same place in our minds and mannerisms because of the life experiences we had in the fifteen years since we had last been dating. I needed much more than he was able to give emotionally and Payton was just too much for him. He couldn't accept the fact that I had a child from another relationship. There were a lot of "if only" statements that flew through our conversations. I couldn't be there for him to figure it out, so it was time to move on. I truly do wish him well. He deserves to be happy and I hope he will be able to find it.
I tried a few other dates, but wasn't having any luck. At all. Remind me sometime to tell you my Match.com horror stories! Raw Internet dating like that is NOT the place to look for a serious relationship when you have a gaping wound hanging about for the world to see. In fact, I finally did decide to take a break from dating. My psyche just could not take any more nibbly, shallow, horny fish in that vast dating pond. Done.
So at the suggestion of a dear friend, I made a wish list in early November 2007. I made a no-holds barred list of the 101 things I wanted in a man. It was a purging of all of my desires and needs and wants for what I went without for over a decade. I decided that I wasn't going to compromise on ANYTHING. Not one single thing. I pulled from my heart using my brain as a guide. What kind of a man would be best for me and my child? What kind of man would I like to grow old with? What kind of man do I want to share my life with? It's a HUGE deal to get it right. I didn't want to mess up yet again.
So I formulated him on paper. I became the architect of my future. This was MY list. MY desires and needs and wants that best fit what I felt was the best relationship possible for Payton and I. This person would never be taken for granted and I would tell him every single day how much I appreciated him for being who he is. I wanted everything out on the table. Nothing hidden or colored or made up to be prettier than what it was.
The interesting thing is that it took me less than an hour to do this. I knew where I had been and I knew where I wanted to go. So I put it all out there and sent it off into the great beyond.
I have to add that Tony meets every single one of these criteria and then some. It took less than three months for me to find him. Actually - he found me. I think that's pretty amazing.
Here is my list. This list is specific to me and my own life experiences, no one else's.
1. Mutual respect.
2. Sense of humor, but not sarcastic.
3. Can cook.
4. Is understanding.
5. Realizes that I have feelings and they are important.
6. Supports me in my endeavors.
7. Is my cheerleader.
8. Is a great sounding board.
9. Does not try to "fix" me.
10. Lets me make my own mistakes and still loves me.
11. Can just be quiet with me.
12. Loves my child.
13. Sees himself as an equal to me.
14. Can take charge when I need him to.
15. Understands my sense of humor.
16. Is OK with the fact that i do not want to give birth to any more children.
17. Has an open mind.
18. Is willing to talk - even about painful things in the past.
19. Makes me smile.
20. Knows what the hell they are doing in bed.
21. Keeps me interested in what is going on in that bed.
22. Will rub my back.
23. Lets me baby him a bit.
24. Appreciates the things I do for him.
25. Opens my door.
26. Tells me I'm beautiful.
27. He needs to be a man I can see myself with 50, 60, 70 years from now.
28. Has similar interests to mine.
29. Does not poo poo alternative medicine.
30. Believes in the power of a calm mind and a strong body.
31. Makes me laugh.
32. Lets me cry on his shoulder when I need to.
33. Doesn't judge me for doing so.
34. Tells me everything will be OK.
35. Likes sushi.
36. Doesn't drive a sports car.
37. Has no desire to.
38. Puts more value on the mind and body than on material things.
39. Has a great relationship with his family.
40. No drugs. This includes tobacco of any kind.
41. Little or no alcohol.
42. No desire to sky-dive or drive a crotch-rocket.
43. Doesn't think my choice of music is strange.
44. Is patient.
45. Is kind.
46. Is attractive - I don't care what color hair or eyes - just that he can be attractive in all aspects including personality.
47. Has a personality.
48. Is well liked by his peers.
49. He is not a frat boy in his 30s or his 40s.
50. Likes chocolate.
51. Can sit and talk about nothing and everything over coffee.
52. If he has kids that they are a top priority for him.
53. Likes dogs.
54. He can like cats, but more than one is too many.
55. He is fun to travel with from weekend road trips to serious travel abroad.
56. NO GOLF.
57. Must be creative.
58. Must appreciate food as art and is able to linger over it.
59. Is not afraid of commitment.
60. Is willing to own his own faults.
61. is willing to say "I'm sorry" when it is warranted.
62. Is not impulsive but still can be spontaneous.
63. Values my opinion.
64. Will make decisions with me.
65. Is not foolish with money.
66. Balances my Yin.
67. Likes that I am a brunette.
68. Doesn't want to change that.
69. Loves every inch of me.
70. Can play.
71. Can calm me when I get frustrated.
72. Helps with housework and doesn't think that it is a woman's place to do it all.
73. I like his friends too.
74. Is genuinely happy for me when I do well.
75. I need a Zen type man.
76. Not a police officer, fireman or military man - nothing in a uniform with a badge or stripes. No way.
77. Is proud to be with me.
78. I am proud to be with him.
79. Does not use his past as a sorry-ass excuse for his behavior today.
80. Can branch out beyond mid-west meat and potatoes.
81. Has patience enough for a Costco run on a Saturday afternoon.
82. He is man enough to hold my purse for me when necessary.
83. NO World of Warcraft. No no no no no no.
84. We are excited to see each other at the end of the day.
85. Loves Hawaii.
86. He will listen to me and respect my opinion.
87. Has a stable job.
88. Is not afraid to act like an idiot or look silly for a laugh.
89. Is secure and self-confident.
90. And that is not measured by the size of his wallet, car, portfolio or job description.
91. Has to sleep in bed and not on the couch.
92. Appreciates a good snuggle session.
93. Great kisser.
94. Is unique in his own way and is proud of it.
95. Puts me first and allows me to put him first.
96. Can spend a day strolling through museums and shops.
97. Isn't afraid to try new things.
98. Loves the rain.
99. He must be able to let me mean as much to him as he means to me.
100. He has to pass the "mom" test.
101. He needs to be able to let me be me. Period.
At first, I thought I would tap back into the potentially safe and familiar and went out with my college sweetheart a few times. It was crazy fun and probably what I needed at the time, but I ended up getting hurt again in my discovery of why exes should remain exes. This is not to say he is a bad person, it was simply that we were not in the same place in our minds and mannerisms because of the life experiences we had in the fifteen years since we had last been dating. I needed much more than he was able to give emotionally and Payton was just too much for him. He couldn't accept the fact that I had a child from another relationship. There were a lot of "if only" statements that flew through our conversations. I couldn't be there for him to figure it out, so it was time to move on. I truly do wish him well. He deserves to be happy and I hope he will be able to find it.
I tried a few other dates, but wasn't having any luck. At all. Remind me sometime to tell you my Match.com horror stories! Raw Internet dating like that is NOT the place to look for a serious relationship when you have a gaping wound hanging about for the world to see. In fact, I finally did decide to take a break from dating. My psyche just could not take any more nibbly, shallow, horny fish in that vast dating pond. Done.
So at the suggestion of a dear friend, I made a wish list in early November 2007. I made a no-holds barred list of the 101 things I wanted in a man. It was a purging of all of my desires and needs and wants for what I went without for over a decade. I decided that I wasn't going to compromise on ANYTHING. Not one single thing. I pulled from my heart using my brain as a guide. What kind of a man would be best for me and my child? What kind of man would I like to grow old with? What kind of man do I want to share my life with? It's a HUGE deal to get it right. I didn't want to mess up yet again.
So I formulated him on paper. I became the architect of my future. This was MY list. MY desires and needs and wants that best fit what I felt was the best relationship possible for Payton and I. This person would never be taken for granted and I would tell him every single day how much I appreciated him for being who he is. I wanted everything out on the table. Nothing hidden or colored or made up to be prettier than what it was.
The interesting thing is that it took me less than an hour to do this. I knew where I had been and I knew where I wanted to go. So I put it all out there and sent it off into the great beyond.
I have to add that Tony meets every single one of these criteria and then some. It took less than three months for me to find him. Actually - he found me. I think that's pretty amazing.
Here is my list. This list is specific to me and my own life experiences, no one else's.
1. Mutual respect.
2. Sense of humor, but not sarcastic.
3. Can cook.
4. Is understanding.
5. Realizes that I have feelings and they are important.
6. Supports me in my endeavors.
7. Is my cheerleader.
8. Is a great sounding board.
9. Does not try to "fix" me.
10. Lets me make my own mistakes and still loves me.
11. Can just be quiet with me.
12. Loves my child.
13. Sees himself as an equal to me.
14. Can take charge when I need him to.
15. Understands my sense of humor.
16. Is OK with the fact that i do not want to give birth to any more children.
17. Has an open mind.
18. Is willing to talk - even about painful things in the past.
19. Makes me smile.
20. Knows what the hell they are doing in bed.
21. Keeps me interested in what is going on in that bed.
22. Will rub my back.
23. Lets me baby him a bit.
24. Appreciates the things I do for him.
25. Opens my door.
26. Tells me I'm beautiful.
27. He needs to be a man I can see myself with 50, 60, 70 years from now.
28. Has similar interests to mine.
29. Does not poo poo alternative medicine.
30. Believes in the power of a calm mind and a strong body.
31. Makes me laugh.
32. Lets me cry on his shoulder when I need to.
33. Doesn't judge me for doing so.
34. Tells me everything will be OK.
35. Likes sushi.
36. Doesn't drive a sports car.
37. Has no desire to.
38. Puts more value on the mind and body than on material things.
39. Has a great relationship with his family.
40. No drugs. This includes tobacco of any kind.
41. Little or no alcohol.
42. No desire to sky-dive or drive a crotch-rocket.
43. Doesn't think my choice of music is strange.
44. Is patient.
45. Is kind.
46. Is attractive - I don't care what color hair or eyes - just that he can be attractive in all aspects including personality.
47. Has a personality.
48. Is well liked by his peers.
49. He is not a frat boy in his 30s or his 40s.
50. Likes chocolate.
51. Can sit and talk about nothing and everything over coffee.
52. If he has kids that they are a top priority for him.
53. Likes dogs.
54. He can like cats, but more than one is too many.
55. He is fun to travel with from weekend road trips to serious travel abroad.
56. NO GOLF.
57. Must be creative.
58. Must appreciate food as art and is able to linger over it.
59. Is not afraid of commitment.
60. Is willing to own his own faults.
61. is willing to say "I'm sorry" when it is warranted.
62. Is not impulsive but still can be spontaneous.
63. Values my opinion.
64. Will make decisions with me.
65. Is not foolish with money.
66. Balances my Yin.
67. Likes that I am a brunette.
68. Doesn't want to change that.
69. Loves every inch of me.
70. Can play.
71. Can calm me when I get frustrated.
72. Helps with housework and doesn't think that it is a woman's place to do it all.
73. I like his friends too.
74. Is genuinely happy for me when I do well.
75. I need a Zen type man.
76. Not a police officer, fireman or military man - nothing in a uniform with a badge or stripes. No way.
77. Is proud to be with me.
78. I am proud to be with him.
79. Does not use his past as a sorry-ass excuse for his behavior today.
80. Can branch out beyond mid-west meat and potatoes.
81. Has patience enough for a Costco run on a Saturday afternoon.
82. He is man enough to hold my purse for me when necessary.
83. NO World of Warcraft. No no no no no no.
84. We are excited to see each other at the end of the day.
85. Loves Hawaii.
86. He will listen to me and respect my opinion.
87. Has a stable job.
88. Is not afraid to act like an idiot or look silly for a laugh.
89. Is secure and self-confident.
90. And that is not measured by the size of his wallet, car, portfolio or job description.
91. Has to sleep in bed and not on the couch.
92. Appreciates a good snuggle session.
93. Great kisser.
94. Is unique in his own way and is proud of it.
95. Puts me first and allows me to put him first.
96. Can spend a day strolling through museums and shops.
97. Isn't afraid to try new things.
98. Loves the rain.
99. He must be able to let me mean as much to him as he means to me.
100. He has to pass the "mom" test.
101. He needs to be able to let me be me. Period.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Breaking the Silence
Monday after I wrote my post on abuse, I decided to Google "verbal abuse blogs". In the past ten years I had never done this - even if I had, I don't think I would have been ready to take in what the Internet had to offer up. What I found just about blew me out of my chair. Right there. On my screen. My words, but from another woman's mind. My eyes were opened wide and my mouth hung open. To say that I was dumbfounded is quite the understatement.
Blog entry after blog entry was filled with the conversations I had had with my abuser. Near verbatim. Every lie, every put-down, every back-handed slash to the spirit. Even down to the merry-go-round tactics of manipulation and twisting words into making their prey feel crazy and cornered. Everything.
The biggest thing that got me was this quote from You are Not Crazy, which is unfortunately not active anymore.
Blog entry after blog entry was filled with the conversations I had had with my abuser. Near verbatim. Every lie, every put-down, every back-handed slash to the spirit. Even down to the merry-go-round tactics of manipulation and twisting words into making their prey feel crazy and cornered. Everything.
The biggest thing that got me was this quote from You are Not Crazy, which is unfortunately not active anymore.
This website is wholly, compassionately dedicated to the women
who have fought to love and understand
in total solitude
the men that
rage at them, call them names, criticise their mistakes, joke about their insecurities, mock their interests, trivialize their pain, yell at them suddenly, threaten them with their deepest fears and tell them that they deserve it.
Then to top it all off,
he steadfastly denies it all,
as he masterfully charms everyone he meets,
just like he did to her when they first met.
just like he did to her when they first met.
Wow. Just wow.
In reading blog entries from other women over the past few days, I have found it was extremely liberating and calming to know that there are many more out there like me who have endured the cycle of abuse and have broken free. To read about their lives in such a raw fashion was definitely an eye-opening experience. So in the hopes that I will be able to help another woman find some peace - even if it is just one - I will reveal some of my experiences here on my own blog. I don't want this to be the focus of Building the Muse, but it will definitely be a significant part. All posts on abuse will be labeled with "Ghosts" for an easy search.
Again and again I read that silence is the best way to support an abuser. So gloves off. I will never name him for his own privacy, but many readers who know me will know.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Really, life?
I know, I know, I know. Things could be a lot worse. A lot. I get it. But kidney stones SUCK.
I was diagnosed as having kidney stones during an ER visit in the wee hours of Thursday morning last week. Apparently, there is only one left and it's around 4mm in diameter. So here it is over a week later and I'm still trying to pass this darn thing. Since it's only (only) 4mm, the docs can't do anything and it should pass within two week. Great. So at this point I have to be hemorrhaging or have a raging kidney infection to get any additional help beyond painkillers and advice to drink tons of water. OK. Great. So my life is on hold until this tiny ball of calcified pee plaque passes.
Helpful ER tip: if you go between the hours of 3 and 4 AM, there is no wait and the sense of humor of the staff is great. They even had me laughing through the pain. It could have been the Dilaudid they gave me, but I did appreciate smiling faces and the more relaxed atmosphere.
I was planning on going to aqua aerobics this morning. I love this class at my gym. I'm the only one there under 55 and I love it. Senior citizens are so great to be around - I love their energy. I think they get a kick out of me being there, too. Everyone is going to have to wait for me to grace them with my presence because I can't stand up straight.
I also promised Payton a trip to the beach today. Sorry, baby boy. It's Avatar and Frosty the Snowman for you. Hopefully I can spoil the crap out of him this weekend. At least that's the goal.
I was diagnosed as having kidney stones during an ER visit in the wee hours of Thursday morning last week. Apparently, there is only one left and it's around 4mm in diameter. So here it is over a week later and I'm still trying to pass this darn thing. Since it's only (only) 4mm, the docs can't do anything and it should pass within two week. Great. So at this point I have to be hemorrhaging or have a raging kidney infection to get any additional help beyond painkillers and advice to drink tons of water. OK. Great. So my life is on hold until this tiny ball of calcified pee plaque passes.
Helpful ER tip: if you go between the hours of 3 and 4 AM, there is no wait and the sense of humor of the staff is great. They even had me laughing through the pain. It could have been the Dilaudid they gave me, but I did appreciate smiling faces and the more relaxed atmosphere.
I was planning on going to aqua aerobics this morning. I love this class at my gym. I'm the only one there under 55 and I love it. Senior citizens are so great to be around - I love their energy. I think they get a kick out of me being there, too. Everyone is going to have to wait for me to grace them with my presence because I can't stand up straight.
I also promised Payton a trip to the beach today. Sorry, baby boy. It's Avatar and Frosty the Snowman for you. Hopefully I can spoil the crap out of him this weekend. At least that's the goal.
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