Day 19: Project 365

This is what love looks like.

I adore this photo. Tony and I got married on 09.09.09, but we had a small ceremony for friends and family at my mom's house the following Saturday. My mom's dear friend took this shot of us after dinner.

I was watching "Platinum Weddings" last night after the kids went to bed. The featured couple put on a lavish wedding to the tune of over $800,000.00. My first question is, what the hell do these people do that they can afford to throw away that kind of money on one evening? The second question in my mind is, who are they trying to impress?? Even if we had the money, I don't think we would even dream of spending that kind of cash on our wedding. That could buy a house for all three kids.

Tony asked me if I wished that we had had a big wedding with all of the trimmings. My reply was simply this: No. What we did was perfect for us and our family. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Day 18: Project 365

My iPhone is being monopolized by a certain little four year old who has been hit with the creeping crud, so I thought I would post some images that Tony and I have taken over the past year or so. Tip: toddlers love the "Talking Carl" application for iPhone.

This bamboo grove is happily thriving away at the San Diego Botanic Gardens. Tony and I took a walk there last spring. He got some other amazing shots that we have hanging in our bedroom. I had them framed for his birthday last month.

Day 16: Project 365

This is my amazing husband with his Tai Chi student, Dewey. Dewey is all legs and good intentions and he is doing amazingly well! I think he's finally through the entire form and they are working on refining and perfecting.

It may look simple and easy, but when I workout with the two of them my legs are shaking about 30 minutes in. Tai Chi takes patience, persistence, a calm mind and a strong body. When a person is used to multi-tasking day after day in a hectic office, it is very difficult to completely switch gears, switch off the mind and let the Chi flow.

Tony started learning Tai Chi from his Chinese grandmother when he was 4. He also teaches Gung Fu and used to run a studio. Part of our five year plan is to open up a Wellness Center that will incorporate Chinese Martial Arts, yoga, massage and body work as well as offer various applicable clothing, organic products and a selection of whole leaf teas.

My tall order

In July of 2007, I had been on my own for a few months and was starting to settle into my new single life. My confidence was beginning to peep through my rock-hard shell and I felt that I could possibly start dating a bit. The idea at first was to see if there were any truly kind men out there. I had a lot of baggage and I needed to pick the right one this time. I promised myself that unless I had a crystal clear picture of who this man was that I would NOT introduce Payton to him. He would get grilled and roasted over the fire before I would let him near my beautiful baby.

At first, I thought I would tap back into the potentially safe and familiar and went out with my college sweetheart a few times. It was crazy fun and probably what I needed at the time, but I ended up getting hurt again in my discovery of why exes should remain exes. This is not to say he is a bad person, it was simply that we were not in the same place in our minds and mannerisms because of the life experiences we had in the fifteen years since we had last been dating. I needed much more than he was able to give emotionally and Payton was just too much for him. He couldn't accept the fact that I had a child from another relationship. There were a lot of "if only" statements that flew through our conversations. I couldn't be there for him to figure it out, so it was time to move on. I truly do wish him well. He deserves to be happy and I hope he will be able to find it.

I tried a few other dates, but wasn't having any luck. At all. Remind me sometime to tell you my Match.com horror stories! Raw Internet dating like that is NOT the place to look for a serious relationship when you have a gaping wound hanging about for the world to see. In fact, I finally did decide to take a break from dating. My psyche just could not take any more nibbly, shallow, horny fish in that vast dating pond. Done.

So at the suggestion of a dear friend, I made a wish list in early November 2007. I made a no-holds barred list of the 101 things I wanted in a man. It was a purging of all of my desires and needs and wants for what I went without for over a decade. I decided that I wasn't going to compromise on ANYTHING. Not one single thing. I pulled from my heart using my brain as a guide. What kind of a man would be best for me and my child? What kind of man would I like to grow old with? What kind of man do I want to share my life with? It's a HUGE deal to get it right. I didn't want to mess up yet again.

So I formulated him on paper. I became the architect of my future. This was MY list. MY desires and needs and wants that best fit what I felt was the best relationship possible for Payton and I. This person would never be taken for granted and I would tell him every single day how much I appreciated him for being who he is. I wanted everything out on the table. Nothing hidden or colored or made up to be prettier than what it was.

The interesting thing is that it took me less than an hour to do this. I knew where I had been and I knew where I wanted to go. So I put it all out there and sent it off into the great beyond.

I have to add that Tony meets every single one of these criteria and then some. It took less than three months for me to find him. Actually - he found me. I think that's pretty amazing.

Here is my list. This list is specific to me and my own life experiences, no one else's.

1. Mutual respect.
2. Sense of humor, but not sarcastic.
3. Can cook.
4. Is understanding.
5. Realizes that I have feelings and they are important.
6. Supports me in my endeavors.
7. Is my cheerleader.
8. Is a great sounding board.
9. Does not try to "fix" me.
10. Lets me make my own mistakes and still loves me.
11. Can just be quiet with me.
12. Loves my child.
13. Sees himself as an equal to me.
14. Can take charge when I need him to.
15. Understands my sense of humor.
16. Is OK with the fact that i do not want to give birth to any more children.
17. Has an open mind.
18. Is willing to talk - even about painful things in the past.
19. Makes me smile.
20. Knows what the hell they are doing in bed.
21. Keeps me interested in what is going on in that bed.
22. Will rub my back.
23. Lets me baby him a bit.
24. Appreciates the things I do for him.
25. Opens my door.
26. Tells me I'm beautiful.
27. He needs to be a man I can see myself with 50, 60, 70 years from now.
28. Has similar interests to mine.
29. Does not poo poo alternative medicine.
30. Believes in the power of a calm mind and a strong body.
31. Makes me laugh.
32. Lets me cry on his shoulder when I need to.
33. Doesn't judge me for doing so.
34. Tells me everything will be OK.
35. Likes sushi.
36. Doesn't drive a sports car.
37. Has no desire to.
38. Puts more value on the mind and body than on material things.
39. Has a great relationship with his family.
40. No drugs. This includes tobacco of any kind.
41. Little or no alcohol.
42. No desire to sky-dive or drive a crotch-rocket.
43. Doesn't think my choice of music is strange.
44. Is patient.
45. Is kind.
46. Is attractive - I don't care what color hair or eyes - just that he can be attractive in all aspects including personality.
47. Has a personality.
48. Is well liked by his peers.
49. He is not a frat boy in his 30s or his 40s.
50. Likes chocolate.
51. Can sit and talk about nothing and everything over coffee.
52. If he has kids that they are a top priority for him.
53. Likes dogs.
54. He can like cats, but more than one is too many.
55. He is fun to travel with from weekend road trips to serious travel abroad.
56. NO GOLF.
57. Must be creative.
58. Must appreciate food as art and is able to linger over it.
59. Is not afraid of commitment.
60. Is willing to own his own faults.
61. is willing to say "I'm sorry" when it is warranted.
62. Is not impulsive but still can be spontaneous.
63. Values my opinion.
64. Will make decisions with me.
65. Is not foolish with money.
66. Balances my Yin.
67. Likes that I am a brunette.
68. Doesn't want to change that.
69. Loves every inch of me.
70. Can play.
71. Can calm me when I get frustrated.
72. Helps with housework and doesn't think that it is a woman's place to do it all.
73. I like his friends too.
74. Is genuinely happy for me when I do well.
75. I need a Zen type man.
76. Not a police officer, fireman or military man - nothing in a uniform with a badge or stripes. No way.
77. Is proud to be with me.
78. I am proud to be with him.
79. Does not use his past as a sorry-ass excuse for his behavior today.
80. Can branch out beyond mid-west meat and potatoes.
81. Has patience enough for a Costco run on a Saturday afternoon.
82. He is man enough to hold my purse for me when necessary.
83. NO World of Warcraft. No no no no no no.
84. We are excited to see each other at the end of the day.
85. Loves Hawaii.
86. He will listen to me and respect my opinion.
87. Has a stable job.
88. Is not afraid to act like an idiot or look silly for a laugh.
89. Is secure and self-confident.
90. And that is not measured by the size of his wallet, car, portfolio or job description.
91. Has to sleep in bed and not on the couch.
92. Appreciates a good snuggle session.
93. Great kisser.
94. Is unique in his own way and is proud of it.
95. Puts me first and allows me to put him first.
96. Can spend a day strolling through museums and shops.
97. Isn't afraid to try new things.
98. Loves the rain.
99. He must be able to let me mean as much to him as he means to me.
100. He has to pass the "mom" test.
101. He needs to be able to let me be me. Period.

Seaside walk

Yesterday morning, I asked Tony to show me how to use his camera. It's not just the little cutesy metallic green point-and-shoot cameras that most of us mamas have. Oh no. It's one of those big black ones with all the buttons and knobs and it has all kinds of attachments like lenses and lights and things. And a big black bag that he carries it all around in and God help him if it ever got stolen or damaged. I have never seen my Zen Master of a husband angry, but I'm definitely sure that steam would pour out of his ears and quite possibly lightening would stream down from the sky and zap an innocent grandma in the wazoo.

In my quest for learning how to do new things, I asked him a whole bunch of questions about what makes a good photographer. I mean, two people could take a picture of the same thing and the image by the everyday tourist would look just OK and the other by the trained photographer would capture the pure essence of what that object is inside and out. What makes the difference? We spoke about angles and lighting and lens types and composition and editing. I get the lingo because I have taken many a college art course and studied Art History more than most people would care to admit. I've dabbled a bit in photography, but that was many many years ago. I never really took to it because I didn't like turning into a bat and bumping about blindly in the darkroom. No thank you. Since then the whole digital revolution has come about and that is something entirely foreign to me. USB cables and Photoshop and who knows what else.

So we hoofed it down to the Oceanside Pier and Harbor. The pelican is Tony's shot, but the other three are mine. He tinkered with Picassa and here are the results. Hooray me.

This pelican was showing off for a little crowd of squealing children. He had it pretty good, seeing as it was the end of the day and there was little to no luck in the fish-catching department. He got the spoils of the left-over bait. Lucky duck... I mean lucky pelican.

This is a shot from under the Oceanside Pier. The waves were still rather large from the remnants of the Samoan earthquake. It was really something to see them crashing through the posts. Tony added a sepia tone and adjusted the sharpness and contrast. There was a small tweak on the angle as well.

There was a bike rental shop just below the pier. This image was cropped just a bit to focus on just the lines of the bike frames.

This shot was taken over by the Oceanside Harbor. I like the two blues with the sharp white trim. Just a small crop on this one.