Message from the Universe

My most vivid dreams happen in the early hours of the morning. This morning I had a particularly poignant one - I figure it was a brick thrown at my head by the Universe. For the past several weeks, I have been walking the precarious edge of depression again. I have tried to reason it out, to figure out what is causing it. It could have been a number of things: me not working as much as I was led to believe when I was hired, the whole situation with my ex, being worried about Payton and what will become of him in Kindergarten next year, living paycheck to paycheck. You get the idea.

I have been patient for a long time. Well... really not. I feel like I have been dealt an obnoxious number of hardship cards and I have been scrambling to make the best of them and find the positive lessons hidden within. Some days are easier than others and my self-confidence is getting better, but damn it! I would really like to have some peace in my life and to have some easy flow to it. I swear I will not take anything for granted! Promise!

I know that help comes when it is most needed. When we are really short on cash, something comes along and we are OK. We get by. When Payton is having a really difficult time, he surprises us at the last minute. When things look their bleakest, a light will shine.

The dream I had last night went deeper than that. It was a message from the Universe telling me that the struggles are nearly over. I have had such a great personal struggle for the better part of 16 years. So much loss and hurt. It's almost over. I just need to trust my own strength, but the key to it is relying on those who love me and surround me on a daily basis. I do not have to go it alone.

I was at a huge Thanksgiving dinner. My mother was in charge and finishing up the last of the cooking. There were about 40 or 50 people there - all my friends and family. People from college and high school. All the people who love me unconditionally. Tony was next to me. My brother was there - everyone. We were all seated at a huge, high wooden table in some sort of an open barn or pavilion. We were all on tall high-back chairs with wheels on the bottom. Over to the right of the table area, there was a very steep, long country road that was leading away from my family. It was so pretty: tree-lined and fragrant, it led past horse pastures and a pond with ducks.

My mother gave me a glass of red wine and wanted me to give a toast before we started the dinner. She was only serving white wine with dinner, but I had asked for the red. She found a half bottle and uncorked it for me and filled my glass. I remember it being sweet.

I was being drawn to the road, so I scooted my wheeled chair and went flying down the hill. Green and flowers and dogs running and the horses. I lost myself in the steep slide down. I finally stopped at the bottom of the hill. I looked up. Oh my. So far away and the hill looked impossibly steep and long. I got back on my chair and did my best to scoot back up the hill. I made it most of the way. Then the rutted dirt road became slippery grass. I remember seeing the dew drops and feeling it in my hands. I tried to climb the last few yards, but the road became steeper and steeper. I had to let the chair go. I was so concerned that I would never get it back, but I decided that I was more important than the chair - it was slowing me down and getting heavier and heavier by the minute. It was all wet and muddy and my hands were slipping. So away it went.

Even without the chair, the climb was still perilous. I would gain a couple of feet, only to slide back a few more. I remember feeling helpless and hopeless. The ground would give way and I would slip again and again. Then there were tree roots. I would grab hold. Rest. I could finally peek over the top of the hill ridge. I could see my family around the table - they were waiting patiently for me and having a good time. I tired to climb up the tree roots, only to have the branches get in my face. I was so incredibly frustrated. I could see my goal, but the tiny thicket of sharp branches was in my way.

I finally got down on my belly and slid under the branches leaving them behind. I had made it back to the top of the hill! I laid on my stomach and just breathed in the warm smells of Thanksgiving and happiness. Something caught my eye. A gentle sparkle just beyond my reach. I sat up and looked. There in the wet grass were my wedding bands. I hadn't even realized that I had lost them before I had slid down the hill. As soon as I picked up the rings, I woke up.

So, thank you Universe. Thank you for your message. I get it.

Making this easier.

I need to put names to labels.

The Ex will now be known as Ryan. His fiancee (now EX fiancee) will be Shay.

Tony will be Tony until the end of days and always in my heart. Payton is Payton is Payton. Love that kiddo.

I have two step-children. Because they are not my own flesh and blood, I need to really watch my bounds when writing about them. My step-daughter is 7 and for the purposes of this blog, her name will be Belle. My step-son is 11 and I'll call him Brady. I don't anticipate writing much about them anytime soon. They are awesome kids and I'm very very glad they are in my life.

So much has changed.

Why did I not blog about it as it was happening? A combination of things, I'm sure. I just read through my last entry from August 2nd and whoa boy! That is like last year's Thanksgiving leftovers! Here's a brief list:

- The court date was just plain awful. I was made a fool in front of the judge by my ex and his lawyer with what I knew were lies. I just wanted to scream. It turned out well enough with Payton's schedule, but as of today, he is already deviating from what is written in the court order. Looks like we'll be going back to court soon enough.

- My "I told you so" moment came so much quicker than I ever imagined. I figured it would come after the ex and his fiancee were married and had added another child to the mix. Not so much. My moment came on September 18th in the form of an e-mail from Shay saying that she had moved out of his apartment after only three months of living there. She and I have been talking and e-mailing since. Oh my, there is so much I know now it makes my hair stand on end. I am infinitely glad that she was able to get out before she became permanently enmeshed with the ex by having another child. Getting married would have been a bad move as well.

- I have a new job at a high-end spa as a Massage Therapist. I love my job. I just wish I had more clients! The paychecks have been a little lean due to me being the low man on the totem pole. One of the more senior girls is thinking of moving on. I have to say that even though she is a great gal, I hope she finds greener pastures elsewhere. I need more bookings!

- With Shay and I speaking on a regular basis, it has dredged up the last of the crap from the bottom of the PTSD barrel. I have enlisted the help of a therapist who specializes in situations like mine. She has really helped me to let things go and to realize that even though he will never change, I can still function with the chaos going on on the other side of the wall without it affecting my life so dramatically. Anxiety has been my constant unwanted companion for the past few months (years) and I'm hoping to be able to cut it loose soon. Some days are better than others. I'm also working on my self-esteem and body image. That's a post in and of itself!

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There is so much more, but it's not relevant to the topic at hand. I'm sure I'll touch on some goodies here and there.