So much has changed.

Why did I not blog about it as it was happening? A combination of things, I'm sure. I just read through my last entry from August 2nd and whoa boy! That is like last year's Thanksgiving leftovers! Here's a brief list:

- The court date was just plain awful. I was made a fool in front of the judge by my ex and his lawyer with what I knew were lies. I just wanted to scream. It turned out well enough with Payton's schedule, but as of today, he is already deviating from what is written in the court order. Looks like we'll be going back to court soon enough.

- My "I told you so" moment came so much quicker than I ever imagined. I figured it would come after the ex and his fiancee were married and had added another child to the mix. Not so much. My moment came on September 18th in the form of an e-mail from Shay saying that she had moved out of his apartment after only three months of living there. She and I have been talking and e-mailing since. Oh my, there is so much I know now it makes my hair stand on end. I am infinitely glad that she was able to get out before she became permanently enmeshed with the ex by having another child. Getting married would have been a bad move as well.

- I have a new job at a high-end spa as a Massage Therapist. I love my job. I just wish I had more clients! The paychecks have been a little lean due to me being the low man on the totem pole. One of the more senior girls is thinking of moving on. I have to say that even though she is a great gal, I hope she finds greener pastures elsewhere. I need more bookings!

- With Shay and I speaking on a regular basis, it has dredged up the last of the crap from the bottom of the PTSD barrel. I have enlisted the help of a therapist who specializes in situations like mine. She has really helped me to let things go and to realize that even though he will never change, I can still function with the chaos going on on the other side of the wall without it affecting my life so dramatically. Anxiety has been my constant unwanted companion for the past few months (years) and I'm hoping to be able to cut it loose soon. Some days are better than others. I'm also working on my self-esteem and body image. That's a post in and of itself!

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There is so much more, but it's not relevant to the topic at hand. I'm sure I'll touch on some goodies here and there.

I have the right to choose

What a concept.

The ex has been trying to control, manipulate and belittle me. He has been condescending, rude, thoughtless and disgustingly unkind. He has now brought Tony into the mix by calling him names and questioning his manhood. Abuse at its finest. And guess what? It's now all in writing. He has flat-out refused to speak to me by phone and I get only short answers in person. He wants it all in writing. No problem. Now I have glaring proof of the nonsense that he would always keep behind closed doors for only his twisted mouth to utter and my tired ears to hear.

I know it's the PTSD rearing its ugly head when the adrenaline rushes through my veins when I see an e-mail from him in my in-box. It sits there like a growling, angry dog with sharp teeth. My initial reaction is fear. Straight up fight or flight fear. From an e-mail. Yep. Electronic words on my computer screen are enough to send me into a state of near panic. For nearly ten years, those words cut and slashed and hurt so badly and now they are infiltrating into my peaceful home to attempt to cause more chaos and that makes me angry.

There is a local radio show that I listen to in the morning. The main DJ has a saying that he uses to describe anger: The emotion of anger is a combination of hurt, sadness and fear. Yes. Yes it is. I feel hurt because he is continuing to be blind to the big picture of what is the best for our son: consistency and calmness. I also feel hurt because I had believed that he was so much more than the abusive man that he is. I feel sadness because my beautiful boy is in the middle of all of this and his father won't stop ripping the wounds open. I am continually left picking up the pieces and calming my baby down when he comes back to my home. I feel fear from the remnants of the past decade of abuse.

But here is the beauty of the situation.

I can choose. He is not in my face. He is not standing in front of me screaming obscenities in my ear. He does not control me anymore. He is not my problem anymore. I can choose to take his cutting words and threats to heart or not. I can choose to walk away from the barking, angry dog - he is chained and cannot get directly to me.

I can also choose to forward all of his horrible e-mails directly to my lawyer for his reading enjoyment.

And THAT is what keeps the anger at bay.