The Special Mother

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. It really hit home with me because of everything I have been through with Payton, so I thought I would share it here.

Her nursing instructor sent it to her. She had just graduated before she gave birth to her beautiful son. At four months old, he had a heart transplant and has been struggling with cancer ever since. My friend is such a strong woman. I think of her and her son nearly every day.

The Special Mother

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressure and a couple by habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.

Did you ever wonder how these women are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew."
"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia."
"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint... giver her Gerald. He's used to profanity."

Finally he passes a name to the angels and smiles. "Giver her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she know patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says mama for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see -- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice -- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?"

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Day 20: Project 365

In February of last year, I was invited to create a table setting for the annual gala given by Mainly Mozart. There were about 30 designers in San Diego who were invited to do this. The theme was simply "Love, Music, Mozart" as it was the week before Valentines Day.

Here's a close-up shot:



I used around 100 locally grown roses of various varieties, feathers and other greenery on a wrought iron stand. The favors were hand-made chocolates from Chuao Chocolatier.

Day 16: Project 365

This is my amazing husband with his Tai Chi student, Dewey. Dewey is all legs and good intentions and he is doing amazingly well! I think he's finally through the entire form and they are working on refining and perfecting.

It may look simple and easy, but when I workout with the two of them my legs are shaking about 30 minutes in. Tai Chi takes patience, persistence, a calm mind and a strong body. When a person is used to multi-tasking day after day in a hectic office, it is very difficult to completely switch gears, switch off the mind and let the Chi flow.

Tony started learning Tai Chi from his Chinese grandmother when he was 4. He also teaches Gung Fu and used to run a studio. Part of our five year plan is to open up a Wellness Center that will incorporate Chinese Martial Arts, yoga, massage and body work as well as offer various applicable clothing, organic products and a selection of whole leaf teas.

Took a break.

I had to walk away for a little bit. I feel badly because I was doing so well with the Project 365 thingy.

So I think it has been about two weeks and I logged in today and saw I had TWO followers!!! How frickin' cool is that! I'm just all kinds of tickled and warmy-fuzzy inside.

It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least. Can I just say that kidney stones are the worst? My entire life was basically put on hold for a 4mm crystallized spiky mass that had lodged itself in my urinary tract. I don't think I have ever drank as much water as I do now. Ever. I'm considering purchasing stock in some cranberry juice maker, too. Ceeeripes. At least it passed. I'll post the gory picture of the prickly unshaven beast later.

The ex has been... the ex. He will never see eye to eye with me and that is OK. I had a dream about him the other morning. I'll write about that in more detail later. This post is too superficial to do it justice. I will say however, that it was incredibly enlightening. I feel freer for it.

I got a job! Again - more about that in a later post - probably on Friday. The details will be hammered out this Thursday. I will be an independent contractor and we both need to be on the same page. I don't like surprises and I'm sure they don't either.

As far as the Project 365... I have been taking pictures and I'm going to start back up with one a day where I left off.

So I'm back. I missed blogging. I have a lot rolling about in my brain that needs to get out.

My tall order

In July of 2007, I had been on my own for a few months and was starting to settle into my new single life. My confidence was beginning to peep through my rock-hard shell and I felt that I could possibly start dating a bit. The idea at first was to see if there were any truly kind men out there. I had a lot of baggage and I needed to pick the right one this time. I promised myself that unless I had a crystal clear picture of who this man was that I would NOT introduce Payton to him. He would get grilled and roasted over the fire before I would let him near my beautiful baby.

At first, I thought I would tap back into the potentially safe and familiar and went out with my college sweetheart a few times. It was crazy fun and probably what I needed at the time, but I ended up getting hurt again in my discovery of why exes should remain exes. This is not to say he is a bad person, it was simply that we were not in the same place in our minds and mannerisms because of the life experiences we had in the fifteen years since we had last been dating. I needed much more than he was able to give emotionally and Payton was just too much for him. He couldn't accept the fact that I had a child from another relationship. There were a lot of "if only" statements that flew through our conversations. I couldn't be there for him to figure it out, so it was time to move on. I truly do wish him well. He deserves to be happy and I hope he will be able to find it.

I tried a few other dates, but wasn't having any luck. At all. Remind me sometime to tell you my Match.com horror stories! Raw Internet dating like that is NOT the place to look for a serious relationship when you have a gaping wound hanging about for the world to see. In fact, I finally did decide to take a break from dating. My psyche just could not take any more nibbly, shallow, horny fish in that vast dating pond. Done.

So at the suggestion of a dear friend, I made a wish list in early November 2007. I made a no-holds barred list of the 101 things I wanted in a man. It was a purging of all of my desires and needs and wants for what I went without for over a decade. I decided that I wasn't going to compromise on ANYTHING. Not one single thing. I pulled from my heart using my brain as a guide. What kind of a man would be best for me and my child? What kind of man would I like to grow old with? What kind of man do I want to share my life with? It's a HUGE deal to get it right. I didn't want to mess up yet again.

So I formulated him on paper. I became the architect of my future. This was MY list. MY desires and needs and wants that best fit what I felt was the best relationship possible for Payton and I. This person would never be taken for granted and I would tell him every single day how much I appreciated him for being who he is. I wanted everything out on the table. Nothing hidden or colored or made up to be prettier than what it was.

The interesting thing is that it took me less than an hour to do this. I knew where I had been and I knew where I wanted to go. So I put it all out there and sent it off into the great beyond.

I have to add that Tony meets every single one of these criteria and then some. It took less than three months for me to find him. Actually - he found me. I think that's pretty amazing.

Here is my list. This list is specific to me and my own life experiences, no one else's.

1. Mutual respect.
2. Sense of humor, but not sarcastic.
3. Can cook.
4. Is understanding.
5. Realizes that I have feelings and they are important.
6. Supports me in my endeavors.
7. Is my cheerleader.
8. Is a great sounding board.
9. Does not try to "fix" me.
10. Lets me make my own mistakes and still loves me.
11. Can just be quiet with me.
12. Loves my child.
13. Sees himself as an equal to me.
14. Can take charge when I need him to.
15. Understands my sense of humor.
16. Is OK with the fact that i do not want to give birth to any more children.
17. Has an open mind.
18. Is willing to talk - even about painful things in the past.
19. Makes me smile.
20. Knows what the hell they are doing in bed.
21. Keeps me interested in what is going on in that bed.
22. Will rub my back.
23. Lets me baby him a bit.
24. Appreciates the things I do for him.
25. Opens my door.
26. Tells me I'm beautiful.
27. He needs to be a man I can see myself with 50, 60, 70 years from now.
28. Has similar interests to mine.
29. Does not poo poo alternative medicine.
30. Believes in the power of a calm mind and a strong body.
31. Makes me laugh.
32. Lets me cry on his shoulder when I need to.
33. Doesn't judge me for doing so.
34. Tells me everything will be OK.
35. Likes sushi.
36. Doesn't drive a sports car.
37. Has no desire to.
38. Puts more value on the mind and body than on material things.
39. Has a great relationship with his family.
40. No drugs. This includes tobacco of any kind.
41. Little or no alcohol.
42. No desire to sky-dive or drive a crotch-rocket.
43. Doesn't think my choice of music is strange.
44. Is patient.
45. Is kind.
46. Is attractive - I don't care what color hair or eyes - just that he can be attractive in all aspects including personality.
47. Has a personality.
48. Is well liked by his peers.
49. He is not a frat boy in his 30s or his 40s.
50. Likes chocolate.
51. Can sit and talk about nothing and everything over coffee.
52. If he has kids that they are a top priority for him.
53. Likes dogs.
54. He can like cats, but more than one is too many.
55. He is fun to travel with from weekend road trips to serious travel abroad.
56. NO GOLF.
57. Must be creative.
58. Must appreciate food as art and is able to linger over it.
59. Is not afraid of commitment.
60. Is willing to own his own faults.
61. is willing to say "I'm sorry" when it is warranted.
62. Is not impulsive but still can be spontaneous.
63. Values my opinion.
64. Will make decisions with me.
65. Is not foolish with money.
66. Balances my Yin.
67. Likes that I am a brunette.
68. Doesn't want to change that.
69. Loves every inch of me.
70. Can play.
71. Can calm me when I get frustrated.
72. Helps with housework and doesn't think that it is a woman's place to do it all.
73. I like his friends too.
74. Is genuinely happy for me when I do well.
75. I need a Zen type man.
76. Not a police officer, fireman or military man - nothing in a uniform with a badge or stripes. No way.
77. Is proud to be with me.
78. I am proud to be with him.
79. Does not use his past as a sorry-ass excuse for his behavior today.
80. Can branch out beyond mid-west meat and potatoes.
81. Has patience enough for a Costco run on a Saturday afternoon.
82. He is man enough to hold my purse for me when necessary.
83. NO World of Warcraft. No no no no no no.
84. We are excited to see each other at the end of the day.
85. Loves Hawaii.
86. He will listen to me and respect my opinion.
87. Has a stable job.
88. Is not afraid to act like an idiot or look silly for a laugh.
89. Is secure and self-confident.
90. And that is not measured by the size of his wallet, car, portfolio or job description.
91. Has to sleep in bed and not on the couch.
92. Appreciates a good snuggle session.
93. Great kisser.
94. Is unique in his own way and is proud of it.
95. Puts me first and allows me to put him first.
96. Can spend a day strolling through museums and shops.
97. Isn't afraid to try new things.
98. Loves the rain.
99. He must be able to let me mean as much to him as he means to me.
100. He has to pass the "mom" test.
101. He needs to be able to let me be me. Period.

A little anxiety

In my ex's attempt to continue to control me, he requested that I undergo a Court Ordered Vocational Evaluation. (Insert eerie music here...)

February 29th, 2008 was the last day of my employment at the Interior Design firm that I had worked at for seven years. I was terminated because I was "circling the toilet" and that I would do better "working part-time at Ethan Allen". Nice. This, after busting my ass for this company for years. I was a single mom who had to drive an hour in rush hour traffic both ways to pick up and drop off at daycare and that was not acceptable even with working from home after hours. But OK. No problem. I had several interviews set up and I was in the process of trying to start my own interior design company. Unfortunately, this was the beginning of the recession and it turned out the the construction and interior design industries were really the sorry lumps circling the toilet. The jobs in interior design were few and far between and either I was over-qualified, the job was not in my area of expertise and every single one had a stack of 50 resumes in the file with more coming in every day. They were not interested in hiring a single mom of a special needs child who needed to come and go to drop off and pick up from preschool four days a week. They wanted fresh new meat that they could work until bleeding and would accept an annual salary of $27,000.00 with no over-time.

So. Time for PLAN B.

I have always wanted to be a nurse. I looked into nursing schools, but the time commitment and the tuition were just too great. I looked at getting my Master's Degree in Oriental Medicine & Acupuncture. Again - the costs were astronomical and it would be three years of my life that I really needed to dedicate to my then two year old, developmentally delayed little boy. Brainstorm. What could I do that would earn a respectable and responsible wage that I could schedule around Payton's preschool and his schedule? What could I do that would bring my insanely high stress level down so I could be a functional happy parent to my baby? I chose Massage Therapy. I could get my license and get to work making around $40.00 to $60.00 an hour plus tips and commission or I could work on my own for substantially more. I could bring home enough money to pay the bills, save up for a home and still have the freedom of scheduling to benefit Payton. Perfect.

Unfortunately, the ex does not think so. He feels that since I have a degree in Interior Design that that is the field that I need to be working in. I have a little bit of news for him. There are ZERO interior design jobs available in the San Diego area. Can I just say that again? Z. E. R. O. Big zilch. None. Nada. Nothing. Not on CalJOBS.com, not on Monster.com, not on InteriorDesignJobs.com, not on Craigslist.com. But guess what??? My last search for Massage Therapy positions revealed 140 of them. Let me spell that out. One hundred and forty Massage Therapy positions are available. I'm sorry. I made the right choice.

So back to this Court Ordered Vocational Evaluation...

It's scheduled for April 27th. I have to go meet with an evaluator who is supposedly this amazing guru of the job search. I have no doubt that is the case and I will walk in to that appointment with my head held high and an open mind. My lawyer is actually stoked for me to go. He said to be as honest as possible.

So what's the hang up here, you ask? What's the deal? Why the anxiety?

There are pages and pages of forms to fill out. I need to give her copies of my resumes and my tax returns. I need to turn in my job search records. I have to give her a picture? Huh? I have to list what my "standard of living" was when I was married and I have to say what I think I can do to make my standard of living the same now as it was then.

Fine. I have perfectly poised and professional resumes for both Interior Design and Massage Therapy and all of my completed marketing collateral and my Menu of Services. I have my job searches and contacts. I have a stellar photo of myself. I have my school transcripts and the contacts where I have been working on a shift basis in Massage Therapy. Tax returns? No problem. The sticking point comes with this "standard of living" thing. Really?

What defines a Standard of Living? I think it is a completely personal choice. For my ex, everything is about "looking good". The nice car with the GPS and leather interior, the $1,900.00 a month apartment, spending over $1000.00 a month on food, eating out and entertainment, the designer clothing, rounds of golf at the best courses, sending your child to full-time daycare and having a stranger raise him instead of his mother. It's all a veneer to cover up the mess behind it.

For me, not so much. I prefer a more simple approach. I am able to budget and live within my means. My wealth is not measured by dollars in the bank. It's measured in my ability to clip coupons, to feed a family of five for under $300.00 a month, to find the best deals and to live without the material excess. I drive a used Volvo. I have three payments left and I'm proud of that. I buy off the sale rack at Target and shop at the outlet malls for the kids. I love Costco. My wealth comes from seeing Payton blossom and thrive and grow within the circle of his FAMILY. To see his anxiety level drop by volumes over the past few weeks when he doesn't have to go to the sitter's house. To see him excited to spend time with mama and be happy to see daddy.

Do I want to work? The answer to that question is a resounding YES!!! I sure as hell do. I love having the feeling of happiness when I am able to coax the knots out of a first time mama's shoulders, to ease away the stiffness from a 80 year old great-grandmother's hands, to teach a wonderfully amazing handicapped woman some arm stretches so they don't hurt when she is helping her mother bake cookies, to work the legs of a dancer, to calm the addict, to ease the CEO. I love what I do!

But Payton will always come first. What in the world is wrong with that? He needs his mama. He's insanely sensitive and his biggest hangup and cause for his anxiety is being left behind. He obsesses about it. I can't even express how much it kills me to see him rage when I tell him he has to go to the baby sitter's house after a busy day at school.

My ex will never see it like that. He just sees that he has to pay me more Child Support. He intimidated and threatened me into accepting less than half of guideline support per month when I was making $64,000.00 a year. Now he's paying me more than before and he's Pissed. Oh... and that Pissed with a capital P. So this is why he wants me to do the Vocational Evaluation. His hope is that the evaluator will deem that I am able to earn $64,000.00 a year and that the child-support amount will be re-figured with me earning over $5000.00 a month rather than what I am currently earning on Unemployment. He even paid for the evaluation without and expectation of a reimbursement from me. He has gotten away with paying a laughable sum for over two years and it's time it stopped, but he's going to try one more time.

I just hate that I feel like I have to defend myself yet again. If the payment amount changes some, I'm OK with that, but he will pay guideline support. Even if it is re-figured with a higher potential salary for me, the Child Support payment will still more than double what it is now. Money was never my motivation, but I do feel that he needs to step up and do the right thing for Payton. My motivation has always been to provide a stable and consistent environment for Payton during the school week. No more ping-pong ball with up to four transfers a day. Our new Child Sharing percentage is 61/39 and it was 60/40 before. He's acting as if I'm "tearing his son away from him". Please.

Beginning the re-building

Today is a new day. I have been torn down from all directions.

I'm at rock bottom emotionally, physically and mentally. It's an effort to walk the dog. I'm winded climbing the stairs. My insides are curling up on themselves and I'm tired of it. I'm lethargic, sad, melancholy, listless, lifeless and puffy.

It would be so easy to stay like this and rot, but I can't. I would be destroying everything I have worked for up until this point in my life.

So tomorrow starts a new chapter.

I have to get out and do. Not just be. But I have to be comfortable with me and the direction I'm going, even though I feel like I'm blindfolded and hobbled. Maybe that's the best way considering I would be scared out of my gourd if I were to take a look at all of the details. I'm naturally a planner and I have to let that go. I need to see that which is in between the black and white.

I have to say that every once and a while, I see a glimmer of what I am to be. It feels like every time I reach for it my hand gets slapped. So I need to try another path of self-discovery and be willing to veer off the path of a bit. Maybe a better one will be there.